We are 39

Milton and I just passed our 39th wedding anniversary.

Goodness. Marriage is the hardest thing I have ever done. I made the mistake of reading lots of christian romances before I got married and they set me up for a huge let down! It was a total shock that Milton wasn’t just like Jesus…but more like me–stubborn and willful. Selfish.

I am embarrassed to confess that we fought over stupid stuff from day one. Looking back, I think I had some weird need to test Milton by holding these unrealistic expectations over his head, which, surprise, he usually failed. So on the outside he was still the bold, outspoken, confident guy (for you Eneagram people, he is an 8–enough said) but on a deeper level he was being crushed. It took me a long time to see this.

At one point, in about our 5th year of marriage, we looked at each other and admitted that we didn’t even really like each other. Yikes. If either of us had given ourselves the option of divorce…

But we didn’t. I remember one incident that became a turning point for me. We had driven to Bartlesville to go to church with some friends. We had all six of our kids by then (so yes, we did maintain SOME level of spark!) We got into one of our horrible fights and turned right around to drive back. Desparation washed over me like a tsunami and broke me. It felt like the end of the world. I wept from my gut into the window all the way home. Marriage and children; family; it was my greatest, most longed for dream. And I was utterly miserable.

Something happened though. God’s grace rose up out of that devastation and I decided that, no matter what, I was going to be happy. It was God’s grace: there is no way I could have dredged that up out of the ocean of grief I was experiencing. At the same time, I could choose it or not.

The challenges we faced, and still face, in building a good marriage have been God’s loving discipline in my life. 39 years in and we have learned (and are still learning) how to love one another. The really great thing? We have grown to really like one another and treasure our companionship.